Sunday, July 31, 2011
The Cycle of Self Sabotage
Well, they say that everything happens in cycles, the flow of life and all that. We must ride the waves, the ebb and flow of life. I can see it so clearly in my weightloss, I am not riding the waves, they are pummeling me!
Week one, a little bit of weightloss, week two, great weight loss, middle of week 3, I drop to my lowest weight but by weigh in I have crept up a little so still a good weight loss. By middle of week 4, I have jumped up a good half kilo, by weigh-in, I have a gain. And the cycle starts again.
My confidence cycles with it, I start by following the program to the letter, then I get confident enough to not be so strict and still lose weight.. my brain says 'I am so good' and sneak in some treats and that is when I hit my lowest weight, my brain then decides I must be able to lose weight with the shit food and goes nuts. I skip gym, eat like shit and gain.
Why do I do it? Because it is easy. Well, easier then having people say 'Oh, I am jealous, you are melting away to nothing', easier then dealing with the looks that say 'you dont' deserve it'. And it's easier then dealing with the people who say nothing. The people who you want to be proud of you who just don't care.
I am scared of people thinking that I am bragging, that I 'love myself'. I am scared of hurting someone's feelings as well, I don't want to make others feel bad about themselves.
And the clashes with my wants and needs.
I want to be proud of myself. I want to have a nice body. I want to be a person who exercises regularly and eats well because it makes me feel good inside my body. I want to wear a body which reflects who I am, and I want to be a good, strong, healthy person.
Time to get back in the water and have another go at riding those waves!
Week one, a little bit of weightloss, week two, great weight loss, middle of week 3, I drop to my lowest weight but by weigh in I have crept up a little so still a good weight loss. By middle of week 4, I have jumped up a good half kilo, by weigh-in, I have a gain. And the cycle starts again.
My confidence cycles with it, I start by following the program to the letter, then I get confident enough to not be so strict and still lose weight.. my brain says 'I am so good' and sneak in some treats and that is when I hit my lowest weight, my brain then decides I must be able to lose weight with the shit food and goes nuts. I skip gym, eat like shit and gain.
Why do I do it? Because it is easy. Well, easier then having people say 'Oh, I am jealous, you are melting away to nothing', easier then dealing with the looks that say 'you dont' deserve it'. And it's easier then dealing with the people who say nothing. The people who you want to be proud of you who just don't care.
I am scared of people thinking that I am bragging, that I 'love myself'. I am scared of hurting someone's feelings as well, I don't want to make others feel bad about themselves.
And the clashes with my wants and needs.
I want to be proud of myself. I want to have a nice body. I want to be a person who exercises regularly and eats well because it makes me feel good inside my body. I want to wear a body which reflects who I am, and I want to be a good, strong, healthy person.
Time to get back in the water and have another go at riding those waves!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Commitment Phobe
Well, I never realised it before, but it seems I have a problem with commitment and following through on it. Who would of thought that I, the one who wanted to get married and have kids at 18, would ever have commitment issues!
It starts with my poor dear partner of almost 20yrs.. yup, 20yrs in October of next year since we first started 'going out' when I was a whopping 17yo and he was about to turn 20. Every day of that 20yrs I have not commited to him fully. Every day, somewhere in the back of my head is the thought that maybe there is something better, maybe I am just settling, maybe its not right. All the while I am loved, appreciated, accepted, encouraged, and even my foul moods tolerated! He is my rock while I am the ocean constantly throwing waves at him, but he has withstood. The test will come next year.. next year I am marrying him. And even now I am hesitating.. why? Of course he isn't perfect, after 19yrs there is a LOT of water under the bridge! But we have 3 kids, a life, a history, why would I want to throw that away for a chance at a few extra hugs and kisses, a passionate night of love making with a stranger? I am old enough to know that that stuff never lasts, that excitment from a new relationship is just that.. a new relationship. I don't want to spend my life like a junkie hunting for that 'new' feeling all the time.
Now, I am having issues with my PhD. I want it. I know I want it, but it is just not working out the way I wanted it to. I'm not in the lab yet, I feel like I am not doing well at it. I know that I can do it, but I need to learn and I don't feel like I am being taught anything. I feel like I have been left flapping in the wind. Yesterday's news that I didnt' get the scholarship, even though I expected that, has thrown a spanner in the works. Dave now wants to leave. Start a new life somewhere else, just as I felt we were starting that new life properly here.
But back to the issue at hand. I don't want to set goals. I am afraid of not acheiving them, I am afraid of not wanting them once I see the hard work that has to be done to get there! Sigh.. more later, time to get the kids lunches for school!
It starts with my poor dear partner of almost 20yrs.. yup, 20yrs in October of next year since we first started 'going out' when I was a whopping 17yo and he was about to turn 20. Every day of that 20yrs I have not commited to him fully. Every day, somewhere in the back of my head is the thought that maybe there is something better, maybe I am just settling, maybe its not right. All the while I am loved, appreciated, accepted, encouraged, and even my foul moods tolerated! He is my rock while I am the ocean constantly throwing waves at him, but he has withstood. The test will come next year.. next year I am marrying him. And even now I am hesitating.. why? Of course he isn't perfect, after 19yrs there is a LOT of water under the bridge! But we have 3 kids, a life, a history, why would I want to throw that away for a chance at a few extra hugs and kisses, a passionate night of love making with a stranger? I am old enough to know that that stuff never lasts, that excitment from a new relationship is just that.. a new relationship. I don't want to spend my life like a junkie hunting for that 'new' feeling all the time.
Now, I am having issues with my PhD. I want it. I know I want it, but it is just not working out the way I wanted it to. I'm not in the lab yet, I feel like I am not doing well at it. I know that I can do it, but I need to learn and I don't feel like I am being taught anything. I feel like I have been left flapping in the wind. Yesterday's news that I didnt' get the scholarship, even though I expected that, has thrown a spanner in the works. Dave now wants to leave. Start a new life somewhere else, just as I felt we were starting that new life properly here.
But back to the issue at hand. I don't want to set goals. I am afraid of not acheiving them, I am afraid of not wanting them once I see the hard work that has to be done to get there! Sigh.. more later, time to get the kids lunches for school!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
It's not about how I look!
The lightbulb went off today. I think I finally get it! I was imagining a world where eating the wrong foods still had all the same consequences except for weight gain. That what you looked like didn't change, and you could eat and drink anything you like with the only consequences being to your health. The risk of heart disease, cancers, diabeties, injury, fatigue, sleep apnea, etc etc etc.
And what surprised me, was that I hesitated. That I thought, oh, my diet isn't that bad, I would be fine. I know how hard it was to quit smoking and look at the health risks of that! How much would I be willing to change just for my health, if how I look was taken out of the equation? If I could eat chocolate icecream every day and not gain weight, but increase my risk of dying 5years earlier, would I not eat it? Would I exercise if there wasn't the motivation of looking good?
I thought back to an earlier mindset lesson of Mish's... if I was at goal weight right now, would I keep exercising and keep trying to eat well? Of course I think 'oh, yes I will' but the reality is it would be much harder to stay motivated without that 'fat' thought in the back of mind. But it did make sense to me, I did get that little lightbulb go off saying 'yes' in a deeper way then just a superficial agreement. I truely beleive that my health is important. At the moment it is reflected in how I look, but more importantly, in how I feel. And I feel good. I like to be healthy. I like the way it feels!
Right now, I feel like am on the verge of two different mindsets - the 'losing weight' to look good, and the 'getting ripped' to look good. The whole 'just be healthy' thing didn't occur to me until now. It isn't a goal I can define and part of me is thinking that I don't wont to set goals other then to 'look good' as it is just too hard. Losing weight is easy.. it is a number on the scale. Being healthy is not so easy, setting goals to run in races and get good enough to be competitive feel like setting myself up for failure. I've done the 'run a race for the sake of running it' and I don't run fast enought warrent doing it because "I am good at it" because I am not! Even setting goals around strength training is daunting - I will never be 'good at it', I will always be smaller then everyone else, I will always be weaker then the boys and the ladies who have been doing it longer. Doing a chin-up seems so far away, even push-ups on toes and sit-ups are a dream. And 'being healthy' is again so far out of my comfort zone! I will never be able to do that perfect and I will never be 'good' at it. So why bother?
Argh.. so that is where I am now. Can I set a goal to get competitive at something? I could go for running, or I could body building or taekwon-do. I am not a team sports person though so that rules out a few things! I've even thought about doing tap-dancing, pole dancing or even belly dancing! Can I handle not being the best? I think I could, and I think the competitive nature might keep me motivated as well! Something to look into I think!
And what surprised me, was that I hesitated. That I thought, oh, my diet isn't that bad, I would be fine. I know how hard it was to quit smoking and look at the health risks of that! How much would I be willing to change just for my health, if how I look was taken out of the equation? If I could eat chocolate icecream every day and not gain weight, but increase my risk of dying 5years earlier, would I not eat it? Would I exercise if there wasn't the motivation of looking good?
I thought back to an earlier mindset lesson of Mish's... if I was at goal weight right now, would I keep exercising and keep trying to eat well? Of course I think 'oh, yes I will' but the reality is it would be much harder to stay motivated without that 'fat' thought in the back of mind. But it did make sense to me, I did get that little lightbulb go off saying 'yes' in a deeper way then just a superficial agreement. I truely beleive that my health is important. At the moment it is reflected in how I look, but more importantly, in how I feel. And I feel good. I like to be healthy. I like the way it feels!
Right now, I feel like am on the verge of two different mindsets - the 'losing weight' to look good, and the 'getting ripped' to look good. The whole 'just be healthy' thing didn't occur to me until now. It isn't a goal I can define and part of me is thinking that I don't wont to set goals other then to 'look good' as it is just too hard. Losing weight is easy.. it is a number on the scale. Being healthy is not so easy, setting goals to run in races and get good enough to be competitive feel like setting myself up for failure. I've done the 'run a race for the sake of running it' and I don't run fast enought warrent doing it because "I am good at it" because I am not! Even setting goals around strength training is daunting - I will never be 'good at it', I will always be smaller then everyone else, I will always be weaker then the boys and the ladies who have been doing it longer. Doing a chin-up seems so far away, even push-ups on toes and sit-ups are a dream. And 'being healthy' is again so far out of my comfort zone! I will never be able to do that perfect and I will never be 'good' at it. So why bother?
Argh.. so that is where I am now. Can I set a goal to get competitive at something? I could go for running, or I could body building or taekwon-do. I am not a team sports person though so that rules out a few things! I've even thought about doing tap-dancing, pole dancing or even belly dancing! Can I handle not being the best? I think I could, and I think the competitive nature might keep me motivated as well! Something to look into I think!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Living for now.
I can't change yesterday, tomorrow is not worth worrying about, and that just leaves today! So what am I going to do today?
Today I will make good choices. Choices that will lead me to my goal weight. Choices that will nourish my body and feed my soul.
It is weird that it has taken me so long to get such a simple basic concept. And weird that it changes everything so much.
The guilt of yesterday, the bad choices, the good choices, everything.. it's gone. Each day I need to re-affirm my place in the world. I need to reaffirm that I am wonderful, intelligent, healthy, strong, fit, kind, nurturing, and, of course, sexy as!
And the pressures of tomorrow, the stress of the future, the potential to put things off as well! that is all gone. The pressure of the ultimate goal is not there to challenge me, success or failure is not on my radar. Tomorrow is not there as a back up either. today is what matters.
So today, I shall be me in all my glory!
Today I will make good choices. Choices that will lead me to my goal weight. Choices that will nourish my body and feed my soul.
It is weird that it has taken me so long to get such a simple basic concept. And weird that it changes everything so much.
The guilt of yesterday, the bad choices, the good choices, everything.. it's gone. Each day I need to re-affirm my place in the world. I need to reaffirm that I am wonderful, intelligent, healthy, strong, fit, kind, nurturing, and, of course, sexy as!
And the pressures of tomorrow, the stress of the future, the potential to put things off as well! that is all gone. The pressure of the ultimate goal is not there to challenge me, success or failure is not on my radar. Tomorrow is not there as a back up either. today is what matters.
So today, I shall be me in all my glory!
Food Diary Week 9/10
Doing a daily food diary didn't work for me. I slacked off putting it in calorie king so I don't know what I ate! So here I go again! I am making some big changes this week - I need to get the family healthy so that is what I am doing! My poor family are in for a shock!
Weigh-in: 54.5kg
Goal: To get under 54.0kg.
Wednesday
In: 1450cals (blueberry muffin was not a good idea calorie wise!)
Out: Strength (lower) - 450 cals in 1 1/2hrs
Thursday:
In: 1300cals
Out: 0 (TaeKwon-Do for kids!)
Friday:
In: 1300 cals
Out: - 475 cals Kickboxing
Saturday:
In:
Out: Combat and Pump
Sunday:
In:
Out: Rest Day
Monday:
In:
Out: Strength training (upper) and cardio
Tuesday:
In:
Out: Boxfit and strength training (lower)
Weigh-in: 54.5kg
Goal: To get under 54.0kg.
Wednesday
In: 1450cals (blueberry muffin was not a good idea calorie wise!)
Out: Strength (lower) - 450 cals in 1 1/2hrs
Thursday:
In: 1300cals
Out: 0 (TaeKwon-Do for kids!)
Friday:
In: 1300 cals
Out: - 475 cals Kickboxing
Saturday:
In:
Out: Combat and Pump
Sunday:
In:
Out: Rest Day
Monday:
In:
Out: Strength training (upper) and cardio
Tuesday:
In:
Out: Boxfit and strength training (lower)
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