I've been smoking for a week and it was killing me. Killing my spirit.
I didn't exercise, didn't do housework, barely left the house. I stopped walking, stopped playing Pokemon Go, stopped my life.
I spent too much money on smokes.
Netflix was my company.
My breathe is wheezing, I've been on the verge of a cold, and have the most horrid taste in my mouth that never goes away. The headache finally stopped just a couple of days ago. I've had barely a day with more then 5hrs sleep and I'm tired. So tired. Tired of myself and my stupid self indulgent ways.
But how do I change? I've tried and keep ending back here, in this same place. Disappointed, disillusioned, depressed.
My husband showed me his love today. A touch. A glance. Hope.
I asked for help.
He bought patches when I asked, along with a supply of chocolate, chocolate self-saucing pudding, ice cream, bourbon, and cat food. The cat food was not for me. Obviously. The bourbon was. I declined.
I am sitting on my bed where I have napped, played Candy Crush, and indulged in reading the Twilight Saga once again in an effort to banish myself away from all temptation. I am slightly ill from the chocolate and plagued by that bad taste in my mouth and a wheezing cough that I know will take days to resolve. The chill of the evening is encroaching and I wonder how I will sleep without pharmaceutical aid given the restlessness that is sure to come as i adjust to life without my addiction.
I wonder how I got to this place.
A place where sleep is as elusive as hope.
A place where I have achieved so much but have no confidence.
I have my degree, waiting for the outcome of my PhD that cost me 6 years and my belief in my ability to be successful. I have my children who are now approaching adulthood with the scars I've inflicted upon them with my mistakes. My inadequacy. I have my husband of 25 years who loves me even now, broken, damaged, ugly.
I should be happy.
But I'm not.
Another sign of my imperfection.
But when my husband touched me, when I saw the desire in his glance, a spark of hope ignited in a dark corner of my mind.
Maybe I can get up one more time.
Maybe it's worth fighting another day.
Maybe I can be the person I want to be.
Maybe I already am.