Saturday, August 19, 2017

A Fresh Start

Today I quit smoking.


Again.


I've been smoking for a week and it was killing me.  Killing my spirit.

I didn't exercise, didn't do housework, barely left the house.  I stopped walking, stopped playing Pokemon Go, stopped my life.

I spent too much money on smokes.

Netflix was my company.

My breathe is wheezing, I've been on the verge of a cold, and have the most horrid taste in my mouth that never goes away. The headache finally stopped just a couple of days ago.  I've had barely a day with more then 5hrs sleep and I'm tired.  So tired. Tired of myself and my stupid self indulgent ways.

But how do I change? I've tried and keep ending back here, in this same place. Disappointed, disillusioned, depressed.

My husband showed me his love today. A touch.  A glance. Hope.

I asked for help.

He bought patches when I asked, along with a supply of chocolate, chocolate self-saucing pudding, ice cream, bourbon, and cat food.  The cat food was not for me. Obviously.  The bourbon was. I declined.

I am sitting on my bed where I have napped, played Candy Crush, and indulged in reading the Twilight Saga once again in an effort to banish myself away from all temptation. I am slightly ill from the chocolate and plagued by that bad taste in my mouth and a wheezing cough that I know will take days to resolve.  The chill of the evening is encroaching and I wonder how I will sleep without pharmaceutical aid given the restlessness that is sure to come as i adjust to life without my addiction.

I wonder how I got to this place. 

A place where sleep is as elusive as hope.

A place where I have achieved so much but have no confidence.

I have my degree, waiting for the outcome of my PhD that cost me 6 years and my belief in my ability to be successful.  I have my children who are now approaching adulthood with the scars I've inflicted upon them with my mistakes.  My inadequacy. I have my husband of 25 years who loves me even now, broken, damaged, ugly.

I should be happy.  

But I'm not.

Another sign of my imperfection.

But when my husband touched me, when I saw the desire in his glance, a spark of hope ignited in a dark corner of my mind.

Maybe.

Maybe I can get up one more time.

Maybe it's worth fighting another day.

Maybe I can be the person I want to be.

Maybe I already am.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

The Day Two Fizzer




The day began at 5:30am.. when I rolled over and hit stop on my alarm. 

And promptly went back to sleep.

There was some bargain going on in my head like 'I'll do it later'.

Then later came, at 4:30pm after work.

About the same time three other things happened.

1. I realised I'd forgotten to get the meat out to defrost for dinner
2. The husband appeared with a magical bar of chocolate that somehow got consumed without my being conscious of it,
and 3. I remembered that I'm pretty exhausted by the time I'm finished work!

So I watched Netflix and we had a kind of healthy version of 'take-out' - roast chicken with a couple of chips and salad.  I ate it all. Along with the chocolate bar and my afternoon tea (a chocolate muffin with Nutella for icing).

Fortunately, I didn't end up over calories - if I calculated them correctly - and even though I didn't do my workout, I was still fairly active with over 7k steps.  Definitely sub-par, but not catastrophic!

Well, except that today is my monthly Day One.  Yes, that explains my foul mood yesterday, and the chocolate today.

Let's hope the scales aren't too nasty in the morning! 

Speaking of which.. time for bed if I want to get up and run in the morning!


Monday, March 20, 2017

The first day of March 12wbt


So that was me at 5:30am this morning. 

Awake.

Dressed.

And outside.

Running!

It was a dull and rainy morning made all the more exciting by the fact that I witnessed it!  Yup, I'm a little proud.

It might be hard to tell because I'm really, really tired right now!  At 8:30pm.

Yup, I'm ready for bed!




At least I ate dinner - 450 cals (I ended up eating another serve of the CCs)

My calorie intake for the day is sitting right on 1200cals, steps over 17000 with total calories out at over 2200kcal. 

Will I do it all again tomorrow?








Sunday, March 19, 2017

On the Eve of March 2017 12wbt Round...





I don't feel excited, I don't feel motivated.

I feel flat, anxious, and a bit over it.

It's rainy weather, but still muggy and hot.

And I didn't do my fitness test. 



But.. I did make muffins.  Grudgingly.  At the last minute.




And I'm generally awesome because I already  have a stocked freezer, so a cook up is not required. 

Thankfully because I didn't have the money to do a proper shop today - I could only afford one meal and the honey soy chicken on Tuesday night was the one that cost the least!  So re-heated chilli beef it is on Monday night!


So in spite of today and all the 'eat all the junk food in the house' that went on, I should be okay for tomorrow. 

But let's wait and see how I react to a 5:30am alarm!



Saturday, March 18, 2017

Here I go again.


Saturday Before Day 1 of March Round....



I feel the need to be quiet.

I feel shame/guilt about my wasted rounds at a time I can barely afford to do them.

I'm all good intentions!

So this is for the good, the bad and ugly. 

No matter what is happening, the bare truth is what is seen here. 


Monday, January 23, 2017

Week 7 Day 1

Monday!

Exercise:

3km run/walk
 steps

Food:
1/2 pce of cake + coffee
PB&J on Toast + coffee
Grapes
Ham, Cheese and tomato toastie + coffee

Uni:

Morning: 3hrs on table

Afternoon: Ordering and Printing on campus

Night: finish Table



Wednesday, August 17, 2016

The Blessed Weigh in Wednesday and Some Goal Setting!

First up, some numbers:

Start: 72.2
Now: 71.4
This week's loss: 800g

Phew! Now I have that out of the way, let's move on to the good stuff!

GOAL SETTING!

I'm going to go really light on the goal setting.

I want to lose 20kg, not in one round though.. 6-8kg would be awesome, 10kg would be out of this world! I think I'd be concerned if I lost the full 20kg in one round!

I'd like to get 10000 steps a day for most days (say one or two days a week excepted).
I'd like to do some regular yoga, and start back with some running.
I'd like to start tennis or swimming maybe, and see how I go back in the gym. 
I'd like to do some classes, maybe get back into the floor weights.

I just feel too delicate to put out big arse goals.  I just want to be better then right now.