Saturday, September 30, 2017

Groundhog Day

I have no idea what Groundhog Day is except the movie reference.  A day that repeats. 

Over, and over, and over.

That is my life.

I never ending cycle of sitting on bed, Netflix, Facebook, smoking, gaining weight, Cany Crush, depression and anxiety, interspersed with random days of hope and self-care born from a place of desperation to be free from it!  But I can't break free.

And I don't why I feel that way when I've just had the most wonderful couple of days teaching!  I loved it and I'm pretty sure I did well!

But..
I am once again on patches after smoking for a week or so.  Only because I ran out of money.

I bought a blood pressure monitor.  It cost a lot!

And left me broke until payday!

A routine trip to the doctor to get my yearly Valium script and suddenly I'm so very aware of the consequences of my choices.  I asked about beta-blockers for anxiety. I mentioned how I'm feeling the physical symptoms of anxiety and that a quick Google search found they are used quite commonly for performance anxiety as they stop the andrenaline type symptoms. Like insomnia, restless legs, a tight chest, tension headaches, being fidgety and shakey, heart palpitations, irregular periods, speaking so fast no one understands me, hot flushes and not being able to stand the heat - either from the ambient temperature or from getting sweaty and over heated when I exercise.  I lose weight so easily but I can't stop eating because it's the only thing that keeps me calm. 

And I've had enough.  

Anxiety sucks!

So she took my blood pressure and hello health anxiety!

It was high, hypertension high. 

So now I need to monitor it daily and record it for two weeks, and go for a blood test.  
A FASTING blood test.

We need to rule out iron and B12 deficiency, hyperthyroidism, and cholesterol issues and whatever else they check for on blood tests!

It's only been a few days but it looks like pre-hypertension is my 'at home and relaxed' setting.

Who knows what the blood test will bring!

But I'm not invincible. 

And I don't like it.

Sure, I've been sick with panic disorder, agoraphobia and whatever else you want to call this messed up anxious ball of anxiety.  Sure I have eczema, dust mite allergy and an intolerance to banana and avocado.  Hell, I even get bad indigestion.

But I've never actually been sick sick.  Like the kind of sick where I might die.

My reaction - eat pizza and smoke!

Yup, real mature!

At some point, I'm going to have to wake up and go for a run.  I'm going to have find a way to eat healthy.  But most importantly, I need to find a way to live.  Really live.

To get out and swim, and climb mountains, and go to dinner and the movies, to play with my kids, get a job.  Be happy.