A Fresh Start

Today I quit smoking.

Again.

I've been smoking for a week and it was killing me.  Killing my spirit.

I didn't exercise, didn't do housework, barely left the house.  I stopped walking, stopped playing Pokemon Go, stopped my life.

I spent too much money on smokes.

Netflix was my company.

My breathe is wheezing, I've been on the verge of a cold, and have the most horrid taste in my mouth that never goes away. The headache finally stopped just a couple of days ago.  I've had barely a day with more then 5hrs sleep and I'm tired.  So tired. Tired of myself and my stupid self indulgent ways.

But how do I change? I've tried and keep ending back here, in this same place. Disappointed, disillusioned, depressed.

My husband showed me his love today. A touch.  A glance. Hope.

I asked for help.

He bought patches when I asked, along with a supply of chocolate, chocolate self-saucing pudding, ice cream, bourbon, and cat food.  The cat food was not for me. Obviously.  The bourbon was. I declined.

I am sitting on my bed where I have napped, played Candy Crush, and indulged in reading the Twilight Saga once again in an effort to banish myself away from all temptation. I am slightly ill from the chocolate and plagued by that bad taste in my mouth and a wheezing cough that I know will take days to resolve.  The chill of the evening is encroaching and I wonder how I will sleep without pharmaceutical aid given the restlessness that is sure to come as i adjust to life without my addiction.

I wonder how I got to this place. 

A place where sleep is as elusive as hope.

A place where I have achieved so much but have no confidence.

I have my degree, waiting for the outcome of my PhD that cost me 6 years and my belief in my ability to be successful.  I have my children who are now approaching adulthood with the scars I've inflicted upon them with my mistakes.  My inadequacy. I have my husband of 25 years who loves me even now, broken, damaged, ugly.

I should be happy.  

But I'm not.

Another sign of my imperfection.

But when my husband touched me, when I saw the desire in his glance, a spark of hope ignited in a dark corner of my mind.

Maybe.

Maybe I can get up one more time.

Maybe it's worth fighting another day.

Maybe I can be the person I want to be.

Maybe I already am.

The Blessed Weigh in Wednesday and Some Goal Setting!

First up, some numbers:

Start: 72.2

Now: 71.4

This week's loss: 800g

Phew! Now I have that out of the way, let's move on to the good stuff!

GOAL SETTING!

I'm going to go really light on the goal setting.

I want to lose 20kg, not in one round though.. 6-8kg would be awesome, 10kg would be out of this world! I think I'd be concerned if I lost the full 20kg in one round!

I'd like to get 10000 steps a day for most days (say one or two days a week excepted).

I'd like to do some regular yoga, and start back with some running.

I'd like to start tennis or swimming maybe, and see how I go back in the gym. 

I'd like to do some classes, maybe get back into the floor weights.

I just feel too delicate to put out big arse goals.  I just want to be better then right now.

Refresh, Renew, Revive!

I am starting this blog again!  Its been way too long and this blog was so successful in helping me get through everything!

So here I am, nearly four years later, about to start the September 2016 round of 12wbt 12kg heavier then my last weigh in in 2012.

It's not for lack of trying either: I've signed up to multiple challenges and this is my 12th round of 12wbt now!

But I've been bringing my past into it and putting pressure on myself.  Wanting to do lean and strong, wanting to run 5-10km when I haven't done much running in years!  This time I am coming in clean.  Like I've never done it before.

So that amazing person up there.. she is going to do this.  And do it well!

Loving my Weekends!

Weekends ARE your lifestyle!

How you choose to spend your downtime is a huge part of your life.. two full days of weekend.. that’s 48 hrs, minus 16 hrs for sleep, leaving 32 hrs for QUALITY TIME!

How did you spend your quality time this weekend?

In between housework, cuddling my children, and generally lazing in my bedroom, chilling with some computer games and doing a bit of study, I’ve been working out!

3pm Saturday.. Kickboxing with Doug.  Awesome fun although I think a week of skipping gym time really hit home – I had to take a five minute breather when I started with the hot flushes!

6pm Saturday.. Nat called for an impromptu visit to Ambitionz!  The new 24hr system is up and running and we decided to check it out together.  Well she caned me.. she wanted to box but holding the mitts – I swear that just means she wanted to tell me what to do and make me work my arse off!  About 10mins later and the hot flushes were back!

8am Sunday.. SSS JuJu Jelly Legs Program on the 12wbt.  This goes down as my all time favourite workout!  My legs are caned!

I had plans of coming home and heading off to Yeppoon for some bushwalking by the beach and then coming home for a run.. but my legs are just not co-operating so a hot bath tonight is on the cards!

But last weekend.. OMG!  My Sunday was awesome!

I did the JuJu Jelly Legs SSS in the morning, then went to climb up Mt Jim Crow – amazing stuff and a great time with the boys! And then, just because I am insane (and possibly spurred on my the motivation of a Roast dinner!) I did a ‘quick’ 6.5km run – 45mins thankyou!

I am slowly learning that I don’t need to ‘train’.  I just need to live a healthy life.  Going to the gym is fun and builds my fitness but it isn’t an end to itself – however knowing that it is preparing me for a full and fun life – that makes it worthwhile!

Organisation: PS-Task 6

This task seems so easy.. schedule in your exercise, schedule in your meal times, schedule in your shopping time.  How hard can that be! 

For most people there are a lot of variables in life and we have to prioritise.  And that is where the issues lie.  This task is about taking our health and fitness and shifting its priority level right up there into the ‘not-negotiable’ zone.. the same zone as showering, brushing your teeth and kissing your kids goodnight. 

Really, it doesn’t matter if you have to change the times, or move your schedule around during the round.  Life happens and we are new to this.. we don’t know enough to make a perfect decision so let go of the perfect.  Get those essential elements.. 1hr a day, 6 days a week to exercise,  5-6 meals a day with 3/4 hrs between them, and a set time to meal plan, do your shopping list and get that shopping!  Plan time for unpacking your groceries, storing things so they last and are easily accessible – chop that celery into edible portions, make sure your spinach is in a sealed container with a paper towel to absorb moisture, divvy up nuts into portions, etc.

And the most essential.. plan for a cook-up of some of the meals.  You will notice that some meals serve 6 – these are great for cooking up in advance and popping into microwave safe or oven proof containers to heat up on lazy nights!

As an example, I cooked up Alison’s Penang Chicken and separated it out into plastic containers.  All I need to do is steam up the vegies (and rice if I want it) and heat up the meal in the microwave or in a pot.  Easy Peasy!

The big thing here is to remember that this is an ongoing task.  It doesn’t end here!  You  need to check your diary every week and plan around red flags or any changes in your schedule.  At night before you go to bed, check your diary to make sure everything will run smoothly, lay out your gym clothes, pack your gym bag – no excuses is a lot easier if you plan ahead!

Jeni

P-S in Review 1

So last Sunday I jumped in and signed up for sixth round of 12wbt.  The week has been great..

I started by getting out of the house and going for a run – 7km – that same afternoon!  My legs were killer sore the next day so I headed into the gym for an upper body workout even though I had a major case of the CBFs.  Tuesday I am quite proud of!  I was feeling a bit off colour, had a bad case of protein gas and abDOM’s and almost talked myself out of going.  I was damn close to walking out as I put my bag in my locker but I pulled out the 10min rule.  Of course, two minutes into my cardio workout and I am rocking it!  It was a shortish session, about half an hour or so, but I did my cardio, abs, and stretching. The only problem was that I did my workouts out of order so had to do my legs workout on Wednesday and left Thursday as a rest day.  Friday was cruise intervals in the great outdoors but it was pouring rain. I’m afraid to the CBF’s attack me that day!  And Saturday was the same… I decided to focus on the Kitchen Makeover task and meal planning.  Because I have missed 3 days in a row.. I need to pull out a 10km run this afternoon!!

During the week I attacked the pre-season tasks: writing up my excuses, thinking about my goals, and making plans!   My fridge is stocked, meal plan done, and clothes ready for the week ahead!

The biggest thing I have done this week is to find small rewards to give myself. 

A soak in the bath with the muscle soak RADOX and painting my nails started off my week with my best foot forward!  I even downloaded some television shows and enjoyed watching them with a hot chocolate!  It has been great to take the emphasis off food as my reward and the first port of call when it comes to relaxing.  Even taking some time to just lie quietly and listen to the Jillian Michaels podcasts has been great! 

Giving myself these small rewards has helped to take away the temptation to reward myself with food!

Jeni

Kitchen Makeover: P-S Task 5

I love doing the kitchen makeover.. NOT! 

At this stage the process itself isn’t drastic, the food I have in the house is mostly good aside from some convenience food for hubby and kids. 

Most of the really bad food rarely stays very long!

I do have to make some compromises here.  My eldest child has Asperger’s syndrome and doesn’t take change very well (as well as hitting puberty!).  It is a struggle to get him to eat full-stop so I tend to keep a few basic convenience foods in the cupboard that probably would not pass the Mish test, but they are things he can prepare himself!  I see some cooking lessons for him in the future!

The fact is, I don’t have a lot of time to cook, nor do I enjoy cooking, so I have to rely on my partner.  And he is not one for healthy cooking!  Yes, it is an excuse!  So to overcome this excuse I am going to meal plan, cook ahead for both family meals and some individual meals as well, and get a system going for making sure we have things prepared!!

So today I am cleaning out my fridge and freezer – my nice huge brand new Fridge!  I am doing up a meal plan and shopping list for tomorrow, and then starting out with Alison’s Penang Chicken (cooked in double) for tonight with a family serving put in the freezer for during the week. 

 

Jeni

Excuses: P-S Task 1

So here I am again!  Yes!  Once again! 

My last two rounds have been complete flops.  Why?  What are my excuses for not doing the program even though I signed up and paid?

It was pretty simple really.  I didn’t think I had to… I am special after all.  I can still get results even if I don’t do it 100%, and if 80% is okay, then 60% is okay, and if that is okay, well.. let’s just say it is a slippery slope!

The fact is, I am back at my pre-round 2, 2011 weight.  Yup, back up to 58kg as I have tried to ‘maintain’ and just failed miserably.  I hit rock bottom this week when I started smoking again.  Today is Quit Day and I am already finding it difficult even though I’ve only had about 6 smokes in the last couple of days.  The habit is so strong and ingrained, I spent a good 15years of my life smoking so it feels so normal.

I also knew that I wasn’t going to the finale party.  It made such a huge difference going the the party in Brisbane.  Knowing I was going.. and knowing that I would be held accountable I guess.  I was no longer invisible. This time I have extra motivation.. my wedding!  That is right, I am getting married in early November and I want to have some glamour photos done for D as a wedding gift (some nude pictures as well!).  I am booking these in.  They need to be confirmed so I have the motivation to go.  If the party is in Brisbane this round.. I am going to that as well!

So here I am, yet again, nutting out my excuses.. internal or external, controllable or uncontrollable.  But it all comes down to one simple thing.. choice.  I need to choose for me, each and every day, to take the action that will lead me to my goal!

 

Jeni

Week 3: motivation vs consistency

Week three is hard.  The novelty wears off, life intervenes, motivation and commitment tend to wane.  And for me.. that nagging sore throat shifts to full blown excuse.

Workouts Completed:

Week One: Thursday, Friday

Week Two: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday

Week Three: none so far

That is right, I excused Saturdays SSS session just because, then Monday, Tuesday and today became about feeling a bit off colour, having a meeting to prep for and wanting to get to the shops early for a haircut I haven’t got yet!

Tomorrow I will go to the gym. I need to accept my chosen time slot and work with it.  I do have a minor throat infection, enough to slow me down a bit but not a reason to take a week off!

Kitchen Makeover: Stage three

The family that eats together, stays healthy together!
Okay, so that is not the exact phrasing of the quote but, it is true none-the-less.  It is no surprise that research supports the fact that eating at the table is important, not only for family harmony, but also for our health.  Families that are overweight are more likely to not own a dining room table, or at least not use it – preferring the comfort of the couch and the television while dining.
We do usually eat together as a family at the dining table but I have noticed that that habit has been wavering (a lot) of late.  Take out is moving in, and the tendency to not clean up after dinner with it.  So now that my sink is getting cleaned each night, and I am planning my meals, if only for a day at a time, I think the dining table has to make its come back – right now!
To make this work, we need to work in two habits..

1. Eat at the table for every meal**

2. Clear the table after every meal

**Note to self:  This means:

• No eating at the computer or while watching television
• No eating in the car while driving (if you get take-out, either eat-in or take it home and eat it at the table!)
• No eating on the phone
• No eating at my desk
• No eating in bed while reading or watching television

From that list, this is a pretty major change wrapped up in a deceptively simple little habit!  I think I will focus on the habit itself rather then the ‘do not’ list as it seems a lot less daunting!
I am expecting I will love the follow-on benefits from this.. it is lovely to sit with my family at the dinner table and to see that my children are eating healthy meals (if somewhat less healthy mine!).  It is a great opportunity to catch up on the day, especially as my boys get older, and to work out some plans for the family!

The Week that Was…

Good things happened this week.  I felt on top of things (some of the time) and achieved great results at home, in the lab, and in the gym!  I need to move forward a bit now and increase my expectations of myself when it comes to nutrition!  My birthday is now over so there is no ‘red flag’ until Christmas Day! 
This week I began my ‘new life’ and so far so good.  I’ve been checking in on the 12wbt forum each day, I’ve been shining my sink each night, and now have my ‘on the fly’ meal planning board – aka the fridge – clean and working for me!
What I haven’t mentioned is that I have also been going to the gym everyday this week!  While it was the last week of school, I trialled a schedule where I did a shorter workout (30mins) and fit it in after dropping off the kids.  Provided I dropped the kids off at 8.30am, I could get to the gym, do a 5mins warm-up, a few sets of strength exercises and then get to uni for 9.30.  When I start back at it next year (when school starts up again) I will need to take work clothes and a shower cap so I can have a quick shower and get changed once I am done! 
This is part of my goal.. to get my training down to two segments: a 3-5km run in the morning, and then 30min at the gym.  Only problem is that I usually wash my hair each morning – if I do this I will have to wash it at night.  Huge change of routine there!  But it will leave me more time in the morning to get ready – making lunches and getting housework done!  I do like this schedule though so I will work to make it happen!  I’ve got the gym part working, now to wake up and run each morning! 
Time to set my alarm to 6am!  Eeeek!

Kitchen Makeover: Stage Two

The Fridge!!

My sink is under control!  I have cleaned my sink each night before bed – too easy!  The follow-on effects are great as well.  The area where I make my breakfast (and the kids lunches) is clean each morning so my day is starting off on the right foot and I am in a good mood!  that makes me much more inclined to eat a healthy breakfast!  So it is time to move onto the next mission!  The fridge!
The fridge is where all our fresh food is kept – how can we be healthy if our fridge is not healthy?  Not only can an unhealthy fridge be a breeding ground for germs that cause upset tummies, it can also mean we are wasting foods and, of course, we are less likely to eat our healthy fresh produce if it is going icky in the fridge after 24hrs!
So today I have a mission:

Clean the fridge!

• take everything out and toss anything out of date or obviously unhealthy!
• take out the shelving and drawers and wash them, let them dry while wiping out the inside of the fridge (a bit of lemon juice in the water is great for killing germs and getting rid of smells!).
• Put it all back, wiping the bottom of jars, but lets try some organisation. 

Organisation: The things you want to eat more of need to easily accessible and visible!  You can buy fridge organisers which are great for holding sauce bottles and spreads to keep them together.  And lastly, look at how you are storing your fruits and vegetables in the fridge.  I am trying out some vege bags to see if they help keep things fresh, but I am more inclined to try and make sure I eat it all so I don’t need it to last as long!  And don’t forget to do your research… look up how to to best store your favourite fruits and vegetables, and invest in some containers to keep your leftovers in!
At the moment I am struggling with a fridge that is way too small for my family, it is really only big enough for a family of two, not five!  So my goal is to get a new fridge in the New year – not an easy task given the Christmas spending period is upon us, we need to pay for some repairs at our rental house, and the costs of heading back to school as well!  So this week I am going research fridges and work out which price bracket I need to be in to get what I want!

My new habit for this week:

A “What’s in the fridge” board!

a.k.a. Family meal planning on the fly!
The idea is to grab a white board marker and, provided you have a nice white fridge, you are free to write all over it.  You can write what is for dinner, what leftover’s need to be used, what fresh fruit and vegetables you can eat or have planned!  Each night, after I have cleaned the sink, I can go through what we have and work out what to do for breakfast, snacks, lunch and dinner.  I can get out what needs to be defrosted and put it in the back fridge so it can defrost slowly (and without risking food poisoning!).  My leftovers can get used, and the boys and hubby will know what to grab from the fridge without opening it twenty times before deciding there is nothing to eat!
So my tasks are complete and I have added a picture of my '”What’s in the fridge” board!  I will update with how it goes at the end of next week!

Jeni

Thought for today: What is the attraction?

Why is it that 5 teaspoons (or even half a cup) of milo with my milk seems so much better then the 3 teaspoons which is meant to go in there?
A properly made milo tastes delicious, is a little high in sugar but with the milk, is a pretty decent snack in a normal healthy diet.  So why do I feel the need to overdo it.. spoil myself, reward myself, have a treat… by doing something over-indulgent.  Why can’t the normal milo be enough of a treat?

Mindset Lesson:  Enjoy things as they should be.

Kitchen Makeover: Stage One

Let’s start with the kitchen sink…
So what does the kitchen sink have to do with losing weight?
There is a certain group of people, myself included, who have never quite grasped the concept the housework.  In this day and age, it is often a life skill that is looked down upon and many even brag about their ineptitude at basic cleaning.  And the issue for many a person (especially one who cares for a number of people) is washing up. This is how it goes.

• Busy day at work
• Cook Dinner
• Too tired to clean up so leave till the morning
• Rushing to get to work.. leave cleaning till the afternoon
• Get home from work
• See the pile of dishes
• Clean up
• Too tired to cook dinner so call take out or cook something ‘easy’
• Way too tired to clean up
• Begin cycle again.

Sometimes we love to cook, have the ingredients we need, have a great meal plan, but if our kitchen is not clean – if we have do that work before we even begin to cook – we are setting ourselves up to fail.  Now this concept is not unique.. many years ago I joined a website: http://www.flylady.net/.  It is a fantastic resource for anyone who has housework issues and the first thing they suggest is to ‘shine your sink’.  I recommend you head over there for more detail but I will repeat the basic concepts here.
If our sink is clean, we can wash up.  If the dishes are washed, the benches are most likely wiped down – the kitchen is ready for you to prepare your healthy meals.  So the first step we have to take to a healthy lifestyle is getting that kitchen sink under control by creating good habits.
My challenge is to create a habit – thirty days is all it takes to cement a change.

Habit:  Shine my sink

– each night before bed, no matter what.  It should only take 5mins, and it doesn’t even matter if I don’t wash up!  Just get my sink shining and keep it that way.
Note: to ‘shine’ your sink, give it a good scrub, making sure you clean the icky bits around the edges of the drain, the faucet, and the sink itself.  Rinse it of thoroughly, dry it off and then spray on some window cleaner to polish it up!
So here we go… the first steps to changing my life.

Preparation for Season 3: Week Two

This first week didn’t go to plan, probably due to a significant lack of planning!  I had my confirmation presentation on Wednesday, and public speaking is a big deal for nearly everyone.  I think I can forgive myself as I hadn’t had to time to begin the good habits I really needed to be in place for times like these!  So that is my goal this round… to get those habits firmly in place so ‘red flags’ are easier to deal with!

The week didn’t go too bad really, well, until Wednesday night when I decided to celebrate.  A little too much celebration has taken place – late nights and alcohol, take out as well.  I don’t feel too great to be honest, tired, and my belly just feels.. off. I had a huge shock this morning when I weighed in at over 54kg – I was 53kg on Wednesday! But I know how to make this program work.  I just need to JFDI, so today I did.

• Breakfast: egg on toast (220cals)
• Morning tea: Bodywise bar (125cals) and berry muffin (150cals)
• Lunch: Beefy Salsa and couscous  (350cals)
• Afternoon tea:  Yogurt -Tamar valley (150cals)
• Dinner:  Jen’s lasagne (300cals)

And if I get hungry later.. I have my small tins of baked beans.  I’ve had three cups of tea as well.  It is nearly 5pm and I am not yet hungry for the lasagne so I think my couscous meal is a good filler!

110g of lean beef, 1/4 jar of doritos salsa dip, a pinch of taco seasoning, 1/4 cup of couscous (w/ 1/4 cup of water and a pinch of a stock cube) – very easy, very yum, and around 350cals I think.  I know I have gone over 1200 calories for the day, but I have made good choices about what I am eating.

The best thing is though, I cleaned out the fridge and got my shopping done for my meal plan!  That means I actually have half a chance of following it! I’ve just started with planning my dinners – lunches tend to be a bit erratic and although I have ‘options’ I don’t want to be confined to certain meals on certain days.  I can have either  leftover Lasagne, an egg and lettuce sandwich, a nicoise salad, or whatever other leftovers I have!  Snacks shouldn’t be too much of an issue either…  have my vita wheat biscuits and Cruskits, Bodywise bars, yogurts, and baked beans.  And breakfast will be my standards oats or special K with fruit.

I am feeling really positive about this week – but for now, tonight is what I need to focus on.  Tonight I will do my best to set up myself for great hot body for summer!

Aiming High!

My goals for the next 12 months:

1 Month Goals

Benchpress 25kg  and lose the last 3kg (ie. 50kg or less))

Currently benchpress 15kg in 3x 8 reps, increase by 2kg each week.

I will need to stick fairly closely to the meal plan for this first four weeks, but should be okay to increase my cals to maintenance after that.

3 Month Goals

Benchpress 40kg loss 5kg (ie. 48kg)

I will keep increasing by 2kg each week, but I need to organise a spotter for these days.  I will make sure I am getting plenty of protein and vegies for good muscle building in this time too!

6 Month Goals

Maintain strength, build up running to 10km runs regularly.

I haven’t really thought too much beyond this round outside of maintaining both my strength and cardio fitness with a good balance.  I will build up to 10km runs over the Christmas holidays and go from there!

Excuses.. Yes, I have more!

Internal excuses

1. I'm scared.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Get the doctors appointment and get started with getting proper treatment!  Once I get used it, I am fine!  It is just that initial busting out of the comfort zone that is difficult.  But I know I can do it, so just do it!

2. I'm tired

Go to bed early, and set the alarm to wake up in the morning at the same time every day!  The last three days I have been waking consistently at 6:50 so I might try 6:40am for the rest of the week and see how I go!

3. I haven't eaten

Get organised and plan your food! This is a huge part of why I have not done as well as I could have in previous rounds.. I need to organise my meals and get some good food habits going.  I don’t want to be bloated, dehydrated, or hungry during a workout!

External Excuses – controllable

1. Phone not charged, equipment not ready.

Get your stuff organised and ready to go - keep a routine for water, charging the iPhone and keeping my gym clothes clean!  I have been doing excellent with managing these things with a simple good routine!  I now have my routine up on the fridge so I know what I need to do without thinking!

External Excuses – not so controllable

1. Work, study, or other commitments getting in the road

Stay on top of your commitments at work and keep organised.  Damage minimisation is the key here and a good balance is essential to maintain focus in all the aspects of my life!  If the kids are sick, work from home, if it is raining, head to the gym.. just find a way!

Preseason Task No. 1: Introduce Yourself!

Hello, my name is Jenifer.

I’m 36 years old, turning 37 on the day of the finale for this round (Yippee!). I have a partner, Dave, who I have been with for nearly 19 years (Oct 28 is our anniversary) and we are getting married on that day the year after – our 20th anniversary.  I have three boys, 6,8, and 12yrs old and they are all ‘special needs’.  My eldest has Asperger’s syndrome, my younger two have verbal dyspraxia.  With my youngest, the problem is has been quite severe and he has only just started talking this year.  Some people seem to give me a lot of credit for this.. they tell me I must be a wonderful mum to cope with them but that is just so not true!  Any mothering talent I have is because they are wonderful kids.  They are not extra work, not really – speech therapy and dealing with the social side of my eldests asperger related behavior has been the hardest part – but I wouldn’t trade them for all the world!  They are the ones who go the raw deal, not me!

Now, wife and mother may be my most important ‘roles’ in this life, but it is only a small part of me.  I have been studying for many years now and have my degree and Honours, in Biomedical Science and am now doing my PhD – I just started this year so it is very much a work in progress!  I love what I do and am very lucky to blessed with the intelligence to be able to do it. 

On top of those commitments, I have one more aspect of my life which presents challenges.. my mental health.  I have a panic disorder with agoraphobia.  I am mostly recovered, in that I can live a normal life without panic attacks, but the shadow is still there.  It comes up as I try to get near the edge of that comfort zone.. the ‘I can’ts’, the ‘What if’s’, and even the ‘I don’t want to’, these happen because sometimes it is just too hard.  I mean, who ‘dreads’ a night at the movies or going out to dinner?  What is a life where ‘having fun’ suddenly evokes fear – a commitment to do something, anything seems to be my trigger right now.  Just in case it is ‘all too much’.

I want to change, need to change, fear the change… but change I will.

Trying to get back into Gear!

 

I have a confession… I haven’t been on program since the end of Round 2.  The week after I was fine because I was busy and had finale to plan for.  But when I came back from finale I just didn’t get back into my routine.  I am floating in ‘No Man’s Land’: Pre-season.

I feel lost and bewildered.  Unable to grab onto anything solid – a routine is what I am searching for!  I went for a run today. It is not a routine but it is a step in the right direction.  Now I just have to keep making that same step, over and over and pretty soon I will be where I need to be.  So here is to first steps!

And to making that shirt fit me instead of being so tight I can see the fat rolls from here!

Cookie Monsters Adventures: Packing for finale!

Well, the flight is booked, hotel paid for, valium in my purse.. it's time to pack my bags!

I thought we could get away with a carry on bag and loaded up my Lorna Jane bag with all the required items.  The only problem was that Cookie Monster couldn't fit!  Or my laptop, phone charger, camera charger, snacks, training shoes, headphones, handbag, magazine, and jeans!
So it was with great trepidation that I jumped online to find out how much extra the luggage would cost me.. thankfully only $24 for both flights!

So, with the luggage allowence organised I set forth to re-pack!  I pulled out my old suitcase.. used once 5 years ago (uni res school) and currently holding many fabrics from my sewing days.  I am proud to say that everything fit so nicely in there, shoes, clothes, toiletries, make-up, book, swimmers, electronics, and in the morning, my laptop!  We won't mention what happened to the stuff that was in the suitcase before..

Totally crazy stuff, but it seems that I am actually going to do this..  I am flying down to Brisbane and going to the finale party!