Refresh, Renew, Revive!

I am starting this blog again!  Its been way too long and this blog was so successful in helping me get through everything!

So here I am, nearly four years later, about to start the September 2016 round of 12wbt 12kg heavier then my last weigh in in 2012.

It's not for lack of trying either: I've signed up to multiple challenges and this is my 12th round of 12wbt now!

But I've been bringing my past into it and putting pressure on myself.  Wanting to do lean and strong, wanting to run 5-10km when I haven't done much running in years!  This time I am coming in clean.  Like I've never done it before.

So that amazing person up there.. she is going to do this.  And do it well!

What have you done today…

To make yourself proud?

Well yesterday I went for a run (5km including the warm up and cool down walk) and avoided excessive eating of chocolate.  Today I have avoided crap food, chose not to eat take-out, and laid down the law with my son!
And I rocked it at the gym!

Jeni  <-- one workout closer to Awesome!

Balance

I have 5kg to lose, I’m in a healthy weight range and even my waist is within the healthy guidelines.  Is my lifestyle healthy?  No way!  I so easily fall back into the bad habits of take-out of laziness as soon as the pressure is turned up a little bit.

I don’t know what to do about it, except to just keep on improving one step at a time.  And each time I slip back a little less.

I have decided not to do the Michelle Bridges 12wbt program this round.  I have the program and recipes, I have the skills I need to do it.  I just need to make it a priority and right now, I have too many other things going on to really justify making a 12 week program a priority.  My health, yes, it is a priority and I will focus on health and well-being.  But the program itself is too time-consuming as a whole, when you take into account new recipes, new meal plans, learning new exercise programs and schedules, watching the videos (which I’ve seen before anyway) and mindset lessons, participating in mindset lessons, fitness tests, milestones, and then jumping on the forums, blogs, facebook, and twitter!  Phew!  Yes, it is a lot to do the program as a whole but for those who desperately need to turn their lives around – it is important enough, and necessary enough to commit that time.  But not for me!  I’m doing okay and I am here because I want to get healthier, not because I am slowly killing myself!

So the last few weeks of April will be about finding balance.  Finding a way to make my goals fit my life.  I want to have happy kids, a clean house, my PhD, and a fit and healthy lifestyle for my whole family!

Saturday mornings are for cleaning up and shopping so that is what I am doing this morning!  Currently cleaning, then doing a meal plan, and then shopping and planning for a big cook up tomorrow!

The importance of lifestyle.

You cannot ignore lifestyle in your quest to become a better, fitter, healthier you.  You can nail your nutrition, you can exercise like a demon, but you are doing yourself a great disservice if you then go and sit on your butt for 16hrs staring at a computer screen, or if you are sacrificing your sleep time to stare at a television for a couple of hours, or even to go work-out at 4.30am in an already over busy schedule.

Our lifestyle is really just a collection of habits, things we do automatically without really thinking.  While most of us dig in and change our exercise and nutrition habits, we forgot about the other stuff.  Sometimes we might make changes to our lifestyle as we do this without really considering the consequences.  The two areas suffering in my life:

Incidental Exercise

Now, most people I know seem to increase their incidental exercise as they go on a ‘health’ kick.  Riding a bike to work, taking the stairs, parking in the far corner of the carpark, etc.  But some of us (i.e. me) seem to decide somewhere in the back of the mind that since we workout, we need to “rest-up” throughout the day so we aren’t too worn out.  This is especially the case for people on low calorie diets, or people who are not getting enough sleep (that is me!).  My work (PhD) is fairly untaxing, but as a mother I do have a fair bit of housework to do.  I don’t workout on days when I do a big lot of housework.. because I am already exhausted!  Yes, I am a big BABY!  This is going to change from right now!  It is the exercise you do between workouts that is going to burn fat – what is the point of building up your metabolism if you are just gonna sit on your ass?  It’s like installing a V8 engine in your car and then just letting it idle all day in a bid to use up all that extra petrol you have: you would use a lot more petrol if you actually got out and drove it! 

Sleep

It is fairly common knowledge these days that sleep is vital to weight loss.  Lack of sleep increases cortisol production which means we retain fat ‘just in case’ (after all, if we don’t have time to sleep then we must have some kind of emergency going on!).  I hear of so many people who decide to ‘fit in’ their hours exercise at 5.30am or 9pm at night and rather then ensuring they make up their sleep, they just do without!  Early morning exercise is great.. but you need to head to bed early and not sit up half the night watching television or facebooking!   Caffeine is not your friend either, so other then a cup in the morning – ditch it!  It totally messes with your sleep cycle and sleep is hard enough to come by!  My problem is the late night ‘relaxing’ where I sit up in the quiet post-bedtime and watch some television and facebook till midnight.  Not only does this encourage extra food consumption, it eats into valuable sleep time preventing the repair of muscles, making you less likely to have the energy burn calories the next day, and just simply makes you feel like shit.

Goals for this week:

1.  Increase Incidental Exercise

2.  Increase the amount of sleep you are getting!

Green Burgers

So the picture isn’t hugely appetising I know!  But, these are a great hit of protein with lots of room for spicing it up to your own taste!  Change it up with whatever vegies you have on hand for grating up, and whatever spice combinations you are fond of!

Ingredients (makes 12 burgers):

• 500g Chicken Mince
• 1.5 cups of Oats
• half a bag of Spinach leaves
• 2 grated carrots
• 1 cup of frozen onions
• 1/3 cup of egg whites (2-3 large egg whites)
• Spice for flavouring: 2 tsps red Thai curry paste and1tbs Coriander leaves

Method:

Use your food processor and chop the spinach leaves and onion, grate in the carrot and throw in your spices here too.  In a large bowl, mix together the chicken mince, oats, egg whites, and vegetable mix.  Use a spatula to dollop and shape in frypan/grill which has a light spray of oil on it. Cook through and serve as a snack by itself or with salad on half a bun or in a wrap!!

Nutritional Info from calorie king..

Serves 12

Calories: 115
Fat: 3.6g
Sat. Fat: 0.9g
Protein: 10.8g
Carbohydrates: 8.0g
Fibre: 2.3g

I am assuming these will be fine in the fridge for a day or two, and freezer-able for month but please use your own common sense here!

Jeni

The Week that Was…

Good things happened this week.  I felt on top of things (some of the time) and achieved great results at home, in the lab, and in the gym!  I need to move forward a bit now and increase my expectations of myself when it comes to nutrition!  My birthday is now over so there is no ‘red flag’ until Christmas Day! 
This week I began my ‘new life’ and so far so good.  I’ve been checking in on the 12wbt forum each day, I’ve been shining my sink each night, and now have my ‘on the fly’ meal planning board – aka the fridge – clean and working for me!
What I haven’t mentioned is that I have also been going to the gym everyday this week!  While it was the last week of school, I trialled a schedule where I did a shorter workout (30mins) and fit it in after dropping off the kids.  Provided I dropped the kids off at 8.30am, I could get to the gym, do a 5mins warm-up, a few sets of strength exercises and then get to uni for 9.30.  When I start back at it next year (when school starts up again) I will need to take work clothes and a shower cap so I can have a quick shower and get changed once I am done! 
This is part of my goal.. to get my training down to two segments: a 3-5km run in the morning, and then 30min at the gym.  Only problem is that I usually wash my hair each morning – if I do this I will have to wash it at night.  Huge change of routine there!  But it will leave me more time in the morning to get ready – making lunches and getting housework done!  I do like this schedule though so I will work to make it happen!  I’ve got the gym part working, now to wake up and run each morning! 
Time to set my alarm to 6am!  Eeeek!

Trying to get back into Gear!

 

I have a confession… I haven’t been on program since the end of Round 2.  The week after I was fine because I was busy and had finale to plan for.  But when I came back from finale I just didn’t get back into my routine.  I am floating in ‘No Man’s Land’: Pre-season.

I feel lost and bewildered.  Unable to grab onto anything solid – a routine is what I am searching for!  I went for a run today. It is not a routine but it is a step in the right direction.  Now I just have to keep making that same step, over and over and pretty soon I will be where I need to be.  So here is to first steps!

And to making that shirt fit me instead of being so tight I can see the fat rolls from here!

Cookie Monsters Adventures: Packing for finale!

Well, the flight is booked, hotel paid for, valium in my purse.. it's time to pack my bags!

I thought we could get away with a carry on bag and loaded up my Lorna Jane bag with all the required items.  The only problem was that Cookie Monster couldn't fit!  Or my laptop, phone charger, camera charger, snacks, training shoes, headphones, handbag, magazine, and jeans!
So it was with great trepidation that I jumped online to find out how much extra the luggage would cost me.. thankfully only $24 for both flights!

So, with the luggage allowence organised I set forth to re-pack!  I pulled out my old suitcase.. used once 5 years ago (uni res school) and currently holding many fabrics from my sewing days.  I am proud to say that everything fit so nicely in there, shoes, clothes, toiletries, make-up, book, swimmers, electronics, and in the morning, my laptop!  We won't mention what happened to the stuff that was in the suitcase before..

Totally crazy stuff, but it seems that I am actually going to do this..  I am flying down to Brisbane and going to the finale party!





Have I won Lean and Strong?

Back in pre-season, when I decided to join Lean and Strong, part of that motivation was that it was at least possible for me to 'win' a placing.  The 12wbt is, afterall, a competition based program.  Back then I was petrified that I might actually win!  I had already decided to attend the finale party and I think that if I had of been told back then that I would have to get up and accept a prize from Mish on stage, I probably would have ate myself into losing out of fear!

But here I am now, Mish has just announced that the winner of Lean and strong will win some awesome home gym equipment (Technogym), and I am thinking, "Do I deserve to win?".

Part of me says, "No way!".  Everyone is so fit and strong, they can do chin-ups and bench press huge amounts and I can't!  But you know what?  This is my journey.

Whether or not I deserve to win is not the question, the fact is, I already have! 
I set out with a goal in mind, lose 6kg and get strong.  I have lost 4kg, but I also chose that path as I increased my protein intake to allow for muscle building, and there is still a week to go!  And I have certainly gotten stronger!  I couldn't do squats, but now do squats with perfect form with a 20kg barbell.  I couldn't do lunges, in fact, they had me in tears for the first two weeks of this program.  I can now do lunges with perfect form, and can even do them with 5kg hand weights!  I can do push-ups on my toes, not too many, but more then the couple I managed at the start of the round.  I even did 200 push-ups (mixed between toes and knees) in a 1hr kickboxing class!  I've learnt to do burpees, pushing out 60 of them first go!  My 1km time trial speed is improving, and best of all.. I can now do a sit-up (ab stage 1 finally!).

Have I followed the program exactly.. no.  I've eaten poorly at times but have always come back to the program - I know how to jump straight back in and recover when I stray from my chosen path.  I didn't follow the gym machine program for a couple of weeks as I was too busy trying out fitness classes at the gym.. five new classes in one week, two the next!  But I certainly have maintained and improved my fitness throughout the program, relishing in the opportunity for daily exercise! 

I feel strong, and not just physically, but my mind as well.  I have always lived in fear, an anxiety disorder, agorophobia.. it ripped my confidence in myself apart.  It is easy enough to be brave when you don't know fear.  When you haven't felt your body fail you in the face of fear, the panic, the nausea, the hot and cold sweats, the pressure crushing your chest and heart.  I know fear, and I know what it is like when your mind and body succumbs to it. I don't want to go there again but I realise now that it is a risk that is worth taking.  I might just feel that fear, I might want to run and hide, I might even fail, but it is worth it to walk in the sun.  I will never go back to that dark place again, but not because I walk cautiously in the shadows.  I will fight for my place in the sunshine, for my mind to free of the burden that fear has place upon it.

I am so proud of myself.  I have already won.  I have won strength, self-belief, and freedom. 

The Cycle of Self Sabotage

Well, they say that everything happens in cycles, the flow of life and all that.  We must ride the waves, the ebb and flow of life.  I can see it so clearly in my weightloss, I am not riding the waves, they are pummeling me!

Week one, a little bit of weightloss, week two, great weight loss, middle of week 3, I drop to my lowest weight but by weigh in I have crept up a little so still a good weight loss.  By middle of week 4, I have jumped up a good half kilo, by weigh-in, I have a gain.  And the cycle starts again.

My confidence cycles with it, I start by following the program to the letter, then I get confident enough to not be so strict and still lose weight.. my brain says 'I am so good' and sneak in some treats and that is when I hit my lowest weight, my brain then decides I must be able to lose weight with the shit food and goes nuts.  I skip gym, eat like shit and gain.

Why do I do it?  Because it is easy.  Well, easier then having people say 'Oh, I am jealous, you are melting away to nothing', easier then dealing with the looks that say 'you dont' deserve it'.  And it's easier then dealing with the people who say nothing.  The people who you want to be proud of you who just don't care.
I am scared of people thinking that I am bragging, that I 'love myself'.  I am scared of hurting someone's feelings as well, I don't want to make others feel bad about themselves.

And the clashes with my wants and needs.
I want to be proud of myself.  I want to have a nice body.  I want to be a person who exercises regularly and eats well because it makes me feel good inside my body.  I want to wear a body which reflects who I am, and I want to be a good, strong, healthy person.

Time to get back in the water and have another go at riding those waves!

Commitment Phobe

Well, I never realised it before, but it seems I have a problem with commitment and following through on it. Who would of thought that I, the one who wanted to get married and have kids at 18, would ever have commitment issues!




It starts with my poor dear partner of almost 20yrs.. yup, 20yrs in October of next year since we first started 'going out' when I was a whopping 17yo and he was about to turn 20. Every day of that 20yrs I have not commited to him fully. Every day, somewhere in the back of my head is the thought that maybe there is something better, maybe I am just settling, maybe its not right. All the while I am loved, appreciated, accepted, encouraged, and even my foul moods tolerated! He is my rock while I am the ocean constantly throwing waves at him, but he has withstood. The test will come next year.. next year I am marrying him. And even now I am hesitating.. why? Of course he isn't perfect, after 19yrs there is a LOT of water under the bridge! But we have 3 kids, a life, a history, why would I want to throw that away for a chance at a few extra hugs and kisses, a passionate night of love making with a stranger? I am old enough to know that that stuff never lasts, that excitment from a new relationship is just that.. a new relationship. I don't want to spend my life like a junkie hunting for that 'new' feeling all the time.
 
Now, I am having issues with my PhD.  I want it. I know I want it, but it is just not working out the way I wanted it to.  I'm not in the lab yet, I feel like I am not doing well at it.  I know that I can do it, but I need to learn and I don't feel like I am being taught anything.  I feel like I have been left flapping in the wind.  Yesterday's news that I didnt' get the scholarship, even though I expected that, has thrown a spanner in the works.  Dave now wants to leave.  Start a new life somewhere else, just as I felt we were starting that new life properly here.
 
But back to the issue at hand.  I don't want to set goals.  I am afraid of not acheiving them, I am afraid of not wanting them once I see the hard work that has to be done to get there!  Sigh.. more later, time to get the kids lunches for school!

What a difference!

Okay, so I am not dropping huge amounts of weight.   I only a few kg to lose, and have lost about 6-8kg since I started with Mish's program, and the weight I lost in the round last year, I pretty much had to 're-lose' this year.  So today I got a haircut and in the process, had a browse though some pics...

 So this was me a couple of days ago.. very happy that the double chins are disappearing.

Anyways, I went for a passport photo and it was baaaaad.  The hair was lank and horrid so I went for an emergency haircut!  Results below!  Oh, and I am wearing only size 8 clothes!

And just a quick flashback to January 2011, before round 1 this year!

What a difference 5kg can make!

From zero to sixty..

Smashing it up.. Burpee style!

Burpees that is!  That is right.  I ventured into the land of the burpee... Big Time!  I needed to recover from a bad day yesterday with a good challenge.  I not only exercised at home, but I completed 2 rounds of next weeks mini milestone SSS!.

You see, yesterday I decided to play on the slippery slide.  It started with a half a hash brown from Maccas (because I reward my kids with bad food.. go figure).  Then we went for KFC for lunch.. again feeding my kids crap as a way to reward them.  Instead of having the leftover chicken satay, I had a wicked wings snack pack- chips and all - 530 cals! A bad choice, but, thought I, a nice light dinner, work hard at the gym, I will be fine.

But then all hell broke loose!  I lost my days work on the computer.  Stupid me had opened my file from email and not saved it on my hard-drive - meaning all the autosaves and saves were in a temp file that disappears when Word closes.  And close it did!  I had decided to put in a table of contents before emailing it off to my lecturer and that is when Word pooped itself, restarted and I was back to the file I had opened 6 hours earlier.  A stupid mistake, and one I have made before so I should know better!

Now, this put me in stress mode.  Hubby had already come home saying he wanted fish and chips for dinner, I was heading to the gym at 6.30pm,   I was hungry from not having a snack, I wanted to see if I could recover the document, needed to catch up my work to send it off... result = one huge peice of battered fish and a couple of chips and an awful sick feeling all night, and all morning.  And, I missed my gym session.  
Add to that an awful night's sleep - a midnight 'cold tablet' due to a stuffed up nose, and I slept in until 11am this morning!  I still felt like poop but I got my shit together and went and did 2 rounds of next weeks mini milestone .. including 60 burpees!

Until Wednesday I had never done a burpee but this week I had a go at one and hurt my thumb in the process!  But today I did 60 of them!  My workout went like this:

5min warm up run
30 lunges (each side)
30 step ups (each side) - I only had a small step so did them really fast!
30 squats
30 push-ups
15 reverse pull-ups/ 30 back extensions on the mini coupe (the kids version!)
30 crunches
30 burpees
5min run and back to the lunges for one more round.

it took me an hour and killed 335 cals which is pretty high for me (anywhere between 300 and 400 is a hard session for me). 

Crunch, baby,Crunch!

But what made my day was that my middle child, JD, joined me.. he was doing his own boxing circuit - some punches, run around the trampoline, do some flips/rolls/push-ups on the tramp, back to the punching bag and smash it out some more.. etc.  So cute!  The little guy is 8 years old and sooo sweet!  He is the one to thank for these lovely pictures of me..

When Burpees Go Bad.... 

Doing the Burpee!

The last one.. I think my face says it all!

But I'm Special!

I've realised there is a new breed of excuse out there as I revisit pre-season task 2!  It's the 'I'm Special' excuse coming to an ego near you soon!  It started with something Mish said on the video the other day and it suddenly clicked - I think I am special!  I think that I don't need to follow the program exactly!  Well, how has that been working for me?  ummm.. Not so good given it got me fat in the first place and why it has taken me so long to lose a measly 5kg (third round now!).

So to quote Mish (roughly) "some people seem to think they are "special" or just too clever to follow the program".  Now, reasonably - there are people with 'special needs' on the program, some with injuries and dietary needs, but these are not the people Mish is talking about.  It's not the people who are in difficult stages of life - stuck living at home with an unsupportive family, a stay at home mum with little kids at home.  It is not the people who do know a bit about exercise and swap their training around a bit, or who swap their meals around.  The sitation itself is not what is being defined here - but it is the attitude that leads to not doing the program as it is set out! It's skipping this or that, not participating fully, or making a half-arsed effort and then wondering why it isn't working!

So, are you sitting there saying "I don't need to do that because I am special" (where special means that I think I can lose weight anyway).  Well, it is time to wake up!  For the "me's" out there who think you are just too damn good and don't have to do the pre-season tasks (honestly and thoroughly - a 5min whizz through is not suffiicient), who think they don't really need to plan out their food or do that weekly shop, who don't do a food diary, plan their exercise, mark off red flag and check menu's before you go out, and don't finish their workouts or get their 4-500 cals a day exercise - how is that working for you?

Of course you need to do the pre-season tasks, of course you need to track your food, follow the meal plans (with allowences for dietary needs and special circumstances), do the exercise 6 days a week, watch the videos AND be a supportive member of the online community as well.  If you don't do those things, how can you expect to get the most out of the program?  How can you expect to acheive your goals unless you define them?  How will you ever move past your excuses unless you write down what they are and work at finding a solution?  How will you ever learn about nutrition and healthy eating unless you let someone teach you?  How will you recognise the eating habits that are holding you back unless you really look at what you are eating - honestly?  How can you fill your world with 'like-minded' people unless you participate in the forums or events?  How can you learn from Mish if you never watch the videos?  I could go on but I am sure you get the point by now!  Each aspect of the program is there for a reason!

So what am I going to do?  Well, the aspect of the program I have not been participating in is the meal planning and shopping.  Really slack on my behalf.  I also didn't fully give myself to the pre-season tasks which is why I am here, looking over them again!  I have done them all before on the other rounds so I dont' need to right?  Wrong!  I just need to delve deeper which I think is what I have acheived in this post.  So I will add to my 'excuses' list:  I think I am special and much too clever to have to follow the program.  Solution:  I will embrace each task and aspect of the program fully and without the attitude!

Failure is NOT an option!

I watched the live feed with Talia the other night and she said "not succeeding was never an option" - Mish picked up on that phrase and asked "what does that look like?".  The 'Moment with Mish' hasn't left my mind, failing seems to be all I seem to do and there was one other great bit of advice.. tracking food and calories helps to keep one accountable.

These bits of advice have been floating around in my head ever since! I started my food diary on Calorie King straight away, logging that days food.  I then started my blog post for keeping track on a weekly basis (you should be able to find it in my post list for this month).  It is already working for me - I allowed myself to 'pick' yesterday and made a few 'not so good' choices with my food.  I was already out of routine as I missed my morning workout (I went, but DOMS in my neck/back and the resulting headache just didn't work! 10min rule followed and I chose to opt out) but I ended up having a run that afternoon after seeing just how many calories I had eaten!  If anyone is not doing it.. I highly recommend it!  If 1200cals per day is your goal, how do you know if you have met that goal unless you measure it?  I don't plan on calorie counting forever, but I do plan on getting my body used to good healthy food, and my mind used to seeing and feeling what 1200 cals looks like so I when I do stop calorie counting, I can be confident I am eating well!

I headed up this blog post as 'Failure is NOT an option' for a reason, as that is what I want to talk about.  Everyday I make excuses, be 'kind' to myself, and put things off until tomorrow.  I'm not failing I tell myself, but just re-negotiating. I didn't see anything wrong with this... I got where I wanted to be, just really really slowly.  And in all honestly, I wasn't really getting where I wanted to be.  I was getting close, but just not quite making it.  I fell short of 1st class Honours by 2%,  I have missed my goal date for finished my lit review (by a mile!), I haven't even managed to lose 5kg in a round yet, I have missed fitness tests, not met goals (not even checked what they are and forgotten about them!), I've not been meal planning or shopping, Oh hell, the list just goes on and on and on and on....  It is time to stop kidding myself!

Well, that is great, but how do I stop kidding myself.. how do I move on from here.  I am doing okay - getting to my workouts each day, just not putting in 100% - maybe 80%, getting frustrated that it is taking me over an hour to get the workout done so I am not finishing the abs and stretching.  In other words.. I am failing! Is accepting less then perfect okay?  Yup, for sure, and that has been an important step for me to realise and to still keep going even though I am not doing 100%.  But now I need to move on to the next lesson...

Failure is NOT an option!

What I want right now.. my real and true goals!
1. To lose weight and have a great strong body.
That means... a) stick to 1200 cals
and  b) follow my workouts to the letter!

Now, in order to meet a) I will need to keep my food diary, and in order to meet b) I will need to harden the f'up and get to the gym a bit earlier and leave a bit later.  Now, holidays are coming up which is going to throw a BIG spanner in the works.. but, I will just have to suck it up and go to the gym later in the day!

So how do I get in the right mindset to acheive these things?  Well this is what I am doing!  Last night I grabbed a sheet of paper and wrote by hand "Failure is NOT an option", and under it, I wrote 4 things I wanted to acheive today.

1) Finish my IL-6 structure section
2) Stick to 1200 cals for the day
3) New class - Fitball
4) Fill in some the contract for work.

These are things that WILL happen today - no matter what.  I went to fitball - I had to get the kids off to school a little earlier to get there in time, and Nat couldn't make so I went alone.  But I went.  Burnt a measly 100cals in 35mins but then went and did run/row intervals to burn off another 150cals in the next 25mins!
So far I am sticking to my cals - cooked up a yummy omlette after gym, had my oats for breakfast.. planned my snacks - just need to work out dinner!
Next I am going to collect all the papers I need for my IL-6 writing, will probably have to run into uni to use the internet/databases and printer to get some more papers as well - but write it I shall!
Filling in the contract will be my evening job!

So failure is not an option - off I go!

A letter to me...

BLOG CHALLENGE # 4 - The things I want to say to me



I'm not sure where you are right now?
Are you on top of the world. Do you have that awesome - wish you could bottle it - on top of the world feeling?
Or are you struggling? Do you know you deserve better and you are trying to find your way forward?
I want you to write yourself a letter entitled "The things I want to say to me"

Use your letter to help you remember how awesome right now is. Encourage yourself. Pat yourself on the back.


Or if you are struggling confirm to yourself how much you deserve better. Be kind but tough to yourself. Reestablish the reasons why YOU DESERVE this. Find that fighter within.
The biggest rule is ... you have to build yourself up in this letter. Not knock yourself down.


You guys inspire me soooo much! I can't wait to read your letters!





To me:
 
OH, for god's sake woman!  Would you  just let yourself be for one minute?  Life is not a competition.. and you are doing great.  You do need to get your ass into gear and get that uni stuff done though.  Now, be proud of how far you have come.. you love how you are feeling right now, you love the feeling of success.  Yes, somedays are hard and the good feeling are harder to find, the goal harder to see, and sometimes even the solid ground under your feet is harder to feel and you feel like your are running off the edge of the world.  But close your eyes and trust in yourself.  You are strong, you are beautiful, you are smart, and you are worthy!
Remember today.  Remember how it felt to see your body in the mirror, see your muscles full of blood and feel the muscle working hard while you lifted that barbell.  Remember how it felt yesterday when you finished those lunges - glimpsing in the mirror to see perfect form everytime - feeling that fatigue in your leg muscles and a huge sense of acheivement.  Remember saturday.. remember how you almost cried with happiness that you managed to wipe 40secs off your 1km time trial.  Remember sunday.. remember how your husband said he was amazed and proud that you ran up that mountain.. remember Cam clapping and cheering as you rounded the last corner.. remember how that felt! 
Everyday there are success to be found, moments where you amaze yourself with what you have acheived, how far you have come from that little lost soul trapped inside her house by fear.  You are amazing, extraordinary even! 
Now, promise me.. you must find something everyday to remember.  Something that you have done that is amazing, a success, an achievement, something positive and wonderful.  Write it down for me and you, to remember on those days when it is hard to feel the ground beneath our feet.
 
Love you always and forever
 

Week 4 Re-connection

Week 3-4 is a hard time for nearly everyone on the program.  The gloss wears off, reality starts to creep in, and newly formed habits start to become difficult.  We have to begin to push ourselves harder to acheive the same goals and all of this combined means a lot of people give up.  For this reason, Mish has posted some fantastic advice to help us to stay motivated and to re-connect with the program.  Everyone will do this differently but I have decided to blog my thoughts and ideas as I re-focus and re-connect!

Reflection
I want you to reflect on the three main areas where you are having setbacks. It could be around dinner time portion sizes, eating after dinner, skipping breakfast, skipping workouts etc. Let’s face it, we’re pretty predictable. What you had trouble with yesterday, I’m guessing you’ll struggle with today. Whatever area’s you are struggling with. I want you to write down:


WHAT - it is you are struggling with (eg overeating at dinner)
I am struggling at the moment to stay on task, to attend my gym sessions and complete the workout (even when I do go I cut corners!), and to stick to the 1200cals.  I tend to eat family meals and even take-out is coming into play.  I am also doing nighttime snacks (a sundae, a block of chocolate, and a bag of chips) which is not good!


WHY - this is a problem (It means my daily calories are blowing out, and my weight isn’t changing)
Both of the above!  I am stuck at 55.9 and I so want to get below 55kg - the goal is under 50kg eventually but for this round I wanted to hit 51kg.


HOW - are you going to fix this? (put a fool-proof plan of action in place, such as a filling afternoon snack, pre portioning the leftovers in correct portion sizes, cleaning teeth as soon as finished, and a healthy dose of willpower flexing!). If you are having trouble thinking of ways to fix, post it in the forums, chances are your fellow family members will have some top suggestions for you.
Fixing it comes firstly down to a bit of JFDI.  The times for my gym sessions are realistic and doable for me.. heading in for a 9am to 10am session is the earliest I can get there, and trying to go later just increases my chances of being 'too tired/sick/lazy'.  Food wise, I will put some time in tomorrow to get some meals frozen for lunches - I have been able to get over my aversion to frozen meals and have been having my soups so I reckon it is a good start.  I have my set snacks.. bodybalance bar, yogurt, baked beans, boiled egg.. but I think I need to expand my options!  I also need to meal plan so the meals we are eating, I can have my reduced calorie version (and a high calorie version for underweight members of the family!).


Recognition

I want you to recognize how far you’ve come in four short weeks. For some of you it’s evident in your body shape. Scales are going down, measurements changing. For others it’s physical achievements in your workouts. What is hard to measure but even more important is your head space changes. Even if they aren’t consistent yet, I want you to write down:

WHAT - are the main head space changes you have noticed (eg I play the victim/blame game much less frequently, I have a JFDI attitude etc)
I think I have had a major breakthrough this round with my mindset.  I battle with perfection every day and this round I am really let it go.  I think being asked to be an ambassador has helped so much, to be recognised as being a positive member of the group even though my weightloss has not been significant.  I love that I can now say that it is okay that I skipped the a few workouts this week - I haven't failed, I am not destined to never achieve my goal, I just had a bad week and next week will be a great one!


HOW - is this affecting your life and/or how you feel (I now feel in control, I am less moody etc)
Well, I think it is affecting my life in a very positive way.  It is improving my confidence beyond what I thought possible. I don't need to be perfect - that takes so much stress off!  I will always keep my expectations and goals high, but I know that I can still acheive my goals without killing myself trying!


WHAT - can you do to ensure these head-space changes keep occurring (eg keep re-setting my goals, keep learning Mish’s lessons etc)
The forums really are the best place to get your mind-set lessons.  Often I find that it is helping others - in trying to explain myself, that I begin to understand my own mind and why I do things.  Honestly, I never even realised I had let go of my perfection until I was responding to a thread and trying to help someone by letting them know that is okay to 'fall off the wagon' because there is no wagon.  It is just life, and sometimes it is messy, but you just keep going.  And I think the same goes for answering this question.. these head space changes will keep occurring as long as I keep going.  We can't help but grow and learn as long as we keep moving forward!

Re-Commitment

This is the clincher. Whether you’ve flown or flopped thus far, I want you to re-set your new one month goals, and re-commit to me, to your loved ones, and most importantly to yourself.


WHAT - are your new one month goals. You may even need to adjust your 3,6,12 month goals (write them down in the My Mission section above)
One month goals.. I'm going to walk/run up Mt Archer tomorrow, and again in 2wks, and again 2wks after that (Weeks 4, 6, and 8) and improve each time.  I want to stick with the L&S program and follow it as best I can, but forgiving myself if I can't do some of them.  I am also going to drop 2kg quickly and easily over the next month!  And I will move up an ab stage at some point - even if it does kill me!

HOW - are you going to get there (plan your calendar for the next few weeks, from shopping, cooking to workouts)
This afternoon I will do my meal plan for this week and shop tomorrow including doing some frozen meals for lunches.  I will check over the exercise plan, setting up my schedule for this week (the exercise plan is monthly so I should be doing the same thing for 4wks) and will schedule in my mountain days!  I need to make sure I am under 1400cals, as close to 1200cals as possible.


COMMIT - Look yourself in the eye in the mirror and re-commit. Take it day by day, meal by meal, workout by workout. Remember it’s the tiny little decisions every day that are the important ones. Get on top of these and you’ll be on-top of the world!
I can an will do this.  Dropping the kilos is the most important thing, followed by getting my weights up.  I want to stick with the program as long as possible - I want to L&S this round, then 2 round of L&F, and another round of L&S - hopefully at which point I will have enough fitness to really build muscle and be a contender for a placing!  I can and will do this!

Strengths - you better believe it!

Blogging Challenge Week 2

Tell me about your STRENGTHS

I WANT to know about your physical strengths.
I WANT to know about your mental strenghts.
I WANT to know about the habits you have that make you strong
I WANT to know what it is about you that makes you the fighter that is inside.

You can't just tell me one thing. Tell me what makes you strong.


Make me BELIEVE it! Make me BELIEVE you are going to fight for your health and you HAVE the power!


Tell me what prepares you to fight these 12 weeks now to make you extraordinary.
What is deep inside you that means you are going to succeed.
And how are you going to use those strengths??

Inspire me.
Cause you ARE inspirational to me.
Now I want to be sure that YOU believe it..

I have strengths, and I will tell you about them!

I am strong!  I completly rock at strength training!  I am enjoying it so much as I am finding out what I am good it - like squats!  I learn fast too and have nailed Lunges as well which had me in tears only a week ago!  I can leg press 100kg - I couldn't do that a week ago!  I am finding that I feel so powerful when doing the upper body workouts as well, and already I can see my ab strength increasing!  At this rate I will be getting advanced in everything!  Oh, and I was able to do one of the advanced balance moves in Body balance the other day - all thanks to the numerous calf raises I have been torturing myself with!
I am persistent and will never fail!  No matter what happens, I will always keep trying, keep getting back up, and never ever ever give up!  I can even give you examples... at age 15 I developed a love of genetics and decided then and there that I would become a scientist.  It has taken 20yrs, but I got my degree and am now doing my PhD.  I had lots of obstacles - I needed to grow up for a start!  I raised my family, battled anxiety, and got through many challenges in my marriage in order to get there!  Even just in these rounds, my persistence is paying off.  I may not have lost a lot each round, but it is adding up - 7kg so far - and even if it takes me 10 rounds - I will do what it takes to get to goal.
I am courageous and will face my fears with dignity!  I have done so every day for the last 15 years as I have battled with overwelming fears so there is no need to stop now.  I will continue to exist outside of my comfort zone - who needs comfortable anyway!  I am so proud that I have overcome many fears associated with exercise - it began with running - the fear of being out of breath, and vomiting from exertion and not being able to 'get home' instantly.  Now I am even doing my ab workouts at the gym and have worked through some nausea from eating yogurt too soon before a workout.  I know now that I can push my body, and that it is predictable - if I love it and respect it, it will love and respect me back!
I am intelligent and have a thirst for knowledge.  I love to know more, to read the research and find my own opinion on debated matters. I like to look things up and to share my knowledge as well. And the learning is not just of the 'book' kind!  I am learning about my own body, what it needs, how it communicates with me.  I am taking in the information that Michelle B is giving us in the program and running with it!  I have already learnt so much about nutrition, how much food my body needs, how to get the maximum nutrition in for that food, and what nutrition I need to get the results I want from MY body!
I am not a perfectionist!  Some people seem to think that perfectionism is something to aspire to but I have been there and found it doesn't work for me!  I need to be able to forgive myself, to accept that I am not perfect and that is okay - I won't always stick to the program and that is okay!  It does not mean it is time to give up.  I am my own best friend - I will give myself a push when I need it, and I will give myself a break when I need it!


I'm thinking I might even come up with a few more but I don't want to go on for too long!  My awesomeness might be overwelming for some so I will leave it at that!  lol

Week One Wrap Up

As week one draws to a close I have to say that I am very happy with myself.  I have not let perfectionism take over, nor pushed myself too far - but I have still achieved so much in this first week that I can see that I will be able to stick this one out!

My food started off a bit shaky - and it showed in the weightloss.  I have finished strong nutrition wise though I am not properly calorie counting.  I fear that I may need to do so in order to lose weight as I have been tremendously hungry!  My 'sleep' eating, those midnight snacks, are not great even though I am making good protein based choices.  I still have that fear about less exercise in the lean and strong program, though it was mentioned that a good slow run would be okay once in a while.  I do like my running but I am enjoying the break from the evening runs and I really want to follow my trust in Mish philosophy! 
I have done my planning for next week, I have the full five days planned out but I will need to watch the weekends - that is for me to eat my leftovers!  I bought I chicken breast and cooked it up, divvying it up into 40g lots for lunches or for pizzas, and popped it into the freezer.  I've also put my pita bread and raison toast into the freezer so I can get out single serve lots the night before!  Organisation is the key!

The gym time went well but I am still struggling to get into uni and get that work done.  I need to make it happen though!  No stuffing around this week - straight from gym to work!  I am a bit upset at missing my Super Saturday Session, but I was sick and the day off served me well. I felt heaps better today and was able to get to the gym and meet Natalie for body balance - it was so great showing her around the machines and having a chinwag while on the treadmill!  20mins went sooo fast!  She was choking up the calories burnt pretty quick too!

All up, I have had an excellent first week.  I'm not sure how I will go with kilo's lost but I know I am stronger and fitter then ever before!  Oh, and my digestive system is loving the food!

Birthday Parties for Children

Yes, it was one of those days today!  Master C was invited to a 6th Birthday Party at the Crazy Joker.  Lots of exercise, lots of sugar, lots of fun!

Well, for the kids anyway. I, on the other hand, had the rather daunting task of sitting in front of a table full of party food for 3hrs, with no money to buy my own food and little food at home to eat before hand.  Until Tuesday we are surviving on what is in the cupboard and nothing fresh is left - no fruit or vege (we used the last of the frozen vege tonight) - and it is hard!  My 'lunch' before going was a nutella sandwich!

While I was there I consumed about 3/4 of a plate of wedges with sourcream and sweet chilli sause, and a myriad of lollies, chips and a peice of cake with 2cm thick sugar icing around the top!  Having said that.. I did have fun.  I talked to people - something that is hard for me to do, and I smiled and enjoyed it!  It would have been nice if the food was a bit better.. I know that Master C had burnt off any calories he consumed there playing in the huge play area (and he guzzled down a good litre of water while he was there too!).

I guess the lesson today is to be prepared.  I didn't budget properly this week as we were expecting the loan to come through by Friday.. now it will be another week.  If I had of had planned I could have ordered myself a decent plate of food, or better still, bought something (though I think that is not allowed!).  I also could have had a better snack before I left.  I had had oats for breakfast, but an egg on toast would have been better!

Live and Learn!  Tomorrow is the official start of the challenge and it feels terrible to be starting off on such a bad footing.. no food in the cupboards and all.. but it is only one day so I had better suck it up and get on with it!