Saturday, August 13, 2011

Hitting the wall.

After a few good weeks on a high, it seems I have smashed into a wall.  It started yesterday when the reality hit that there was less then a week until I jumped on that plane for finale.  I still have census deliveries to do, I still have a take home stats exam to do, I still have my presentation to plan for.  I am stressed out and sore and tired.  My mind has started that negative spiral that leads to me not jumping on that plane, the mind frame that leads to agorophobia and a life restricted by fears.

I was anxious yesterday, spent the day knowing that my stress level was rising and decided a good workout should fix it.. I rocked strong man training and I sure did feel better!  But then I asked about an assessment and booked an appointment, and then the manager commented on the change in my photo - she didn't recognise me from the picture on file for me!  She asked for me to send pictures.. sure I said. 
Normally that would be fine but it just adds to my stress levels.  I went in for pump and combat today.. made it through combat but then started feeling a bit icky at the back of my throat.  I debated in my mind for half the class, my anxiety levels way up there - one minute okay, the next panicy and then I decided to call it quits and left half way through.. I felt in control again and was okay.  I went home and still felt like crap but went about my day.

I just feel sad and horrid and panicy all the time.  The pressure on my chest just won't let up, my happy place has disappeared!  I am just imagining myself crying and panicing as I get on the plane, not wanting to get on, feeling that terror.

My brain just isn't hearing 'that is not rational'  it doesn't understand it.. the pathways are blocked or whatever.  I try and tell myself.. I wont' panic, nothing will happen, there is nothing to fear.  But there is.. fear.  That is what I fear and where can go to hide from that?

I am even thinking that I might drive down just so I don't have to go through that - so that I stay in control.  I am even freaking at taking a taxi to the airport!

I tell myself that feeling like this doens't mean that I will have a panic attack.  I might be fine on the day, but right now I feel like poop and I don't wanna!

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