I hate making decisions.
I know I want my Phd. Why do I want it though? The prestige, the acheivement, the knowledge, the skills, etc but do I want the job at the end? Do I want a job where I will always be competing and proving my intelligence? Where I need to produce, produce, produce.. constantly fighting for grants for my research.
I don't think I will ever have the capacity to lead a research team, I am just not brave enough for that (not yet anyway). But I love doing lab work. I love doing things that others can't - things that challenge me. I want to be working in a lab, doing research that I know, understand and love. I want to do immunology and disease research - cancer research even. Not as the head of a lab, but as the member of a team, working toward a common goal. I want to feel valued and important.
So the first option, which is to quit altogether and get a job, really doesn't feel like an option. Though really, as a back up plan, it is probably okay. I could get a job in research somewhere and get my PhD further on down the line in a feild of research I already have knowledge and experience in.
I don't know how it would look having a year of a PhD already done though, would that mean that if I did a PhD in the future, I would only have two and a bit years left to do it in. I would rather go for my masters if that was the case.
And that is my second option. Get a masters instead. That would give us a few months in the lab to get me settled and confident and in the right direction and then I would be on my way. It would depend on getting either Jennelle or Fiona to supervise here.
And that brings me to my third option - heading down to the Uni of Western Sydney and finishing there - that covers a few options in fact. I could see if there is a RA job there and work for a year or so before moving into a PhD, or I could see if I could do my work at their lab while still obtaining my PhD under the CQU banner.
No matter what, I need to stay until the end of the year. Dave has just started getting decent hours at work, I have some work coming up which should ease things financially, and I feel like things are just starting to work for me.
So I feel like my options are that if I want to stay here, I need to change topics. If I stick with this topic I can opt out at a masters, or I can change universities somehow!
To be continued!