Friday, July 22, 2011

Commitment Phobe

Well, I never realised it before, but it seems I have a problem with commitment and following through on it. Who would of thought that I, the one who wanted to get married and have kids at 18, would ever have commitment issues!

It starts with my poor dear partner of almost 20yrs.. yup, 20yrs in October of next year since we first started 'going out' when I was a whopping 17yo and he was about to turn 20. Every day of that 20yrs I have not commited to him fully. Every day, somewhere in the back of my head is the thought that maybe there is something better, maybe I am just settling, maybe its not right. All the while I am loved, appreciated, accepted, encouraged, and even my foul moods tolerated! He is my rock while I am the ocean constantly throwing waves at him, but he has withstood. The test will come next year.. next year I am marrying him. And even now I am hesitating.. why? Of course he isn't perfect, after 19yrs there is a LOT of water under the bridge! But we have 3 kids, a life, a history, why would I want to throw that away for a chance at a few extra hugs and kisses, a passionate night of love making with a stranger? I am old enough to know that that stuff never lasts, that excitment from a new relationship is just that.. a new relationship. I don't want to spend my life like a junkie hunting for that 'new' feeling all the time.
Now, I am having issues with my PhD.  I want it. I know I want it, but it is just not working out the way I wanted it to.  I'm not in the lab yet, I feel like I am not doing well at it.  I know that I can do it, but I need to learn and I don't feel like I am being taught anything.  I feel like I have been left flapping in the wind.  Yesterday's news that I didnt' get the scholarship, even though I expected that, has thrown a spanner in the works.  Dave now wants to leave.  Start a new life somewhere else, just as I felt we were starting that new life properly here.
But back to the issue at hand.  I don't want to set goals.  I am afraid of not acheiving them, I am afraid of not wanting them once I see the hard work that has to be done to get there!  Sigh.. more later, time to get the kids lunches for school!

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