Sunday, July 31, 2011

The Cycle of Self Sabotage

Well, they say that everything happens in cycles, the flow of life and all that.  We must ride the waves, the ebb and flow of life.  I can see it so clearly in my weightloss, I am not riding the waves, they are pummeling me!

Week one, a little bit of weightloss, week two, great weight loss, middle of week 3, I drop to my lowest weight but by weigh in I have crept up a little so still a good weight loss.  By middle of week 4, I have jumped up a good half kilo, by weigh-in, I have a gain.  And the cycle starts again.

My confidence cycles with it, I start by following the program to the letter, then I get confident enough to not be so strict and still lose weight.. my brain says 'I am so good' and sneak in some treats and that is when I hit my lowest weight, my brain then decides I must be able to lose weight with the shit food and goes nuts.  I skip gym, eat like shit and gain.

Why do I do it?  Because it is easy.  Well, easier then having people say 'Oh, I am jealous, you are melting away to nothing', easier then dealing with the looks that say 'you dont' deserve it'.  And it's easier then dealing with the people who say nothing.  The people who you want to be proud of you who just don't care.
I am scared of people thinking that I am bragging, that I 'love myself'.  I am scared of hurting someone's feelings as well, I don't want to make others feel bad about themselves.

And the clashes with my wants and needs.
I want to be proud of myself.  I want to have a nice body.  I want to be a person who exercises regularly and eats well because it makes me feel good inside my body.  I want to wear a body which reflects who I am, and I want to be a good, strong, healthy person.

Time to get back in the water and have another go at riding those waves!

No comments:

Post a Comment