Thursday, July 21, 2011

It's not about how I look!

The lightbulb went off today.  I think I finally get it!  I was imagining a world where eating the wrong foods still had all the same consequences except for weight gain.  That what you looked like didn't change, and you could eat and drink anything you like with the only consequences being to your health.  The risk of heart disease, cancers, diabeties, injury, fatigue, sleep apnea, etc etc etc. 

And what surprised me, was that I hesitated.  That I thought, oh, my diet isn't that bad, I would be fine.  I know how hard it was to quit smoking and look at the health risks of that!  How much would I be willing to change just for my health, if how I look was taken out of the equation?  If I could eat chocolate icecream every day and not gain weight, but increase my risk of dying 5years earlier, would I not eat it?  Would I exercise if there wasn't the motivation of looking good?

I thought back to an earlier mindset lesson of Mish's... if I was at goal weight right now, would I keep exercising and keep trying to eat well?   Of course I think 'oh, yes I will' but the reality is it would be much harder to stay motivated without that 'fat' thought in the back of mind.  But it did make sense to me, I did get that little lightbulb go off saying 'yes' in a deeper way then just a superficial agreement.  I truely beleive that my health is important.  At the moment it is reflected in how I look, but more importantly, in how I feel.  And I feel good.  I like to be healthy.  I like the way it feels!

Right now, I feel like am on the verge of two different mindsets - the 'losing weight' to look good, and the 'getting ripped' to look good.  The whole 'just be healthy' thing didn't occur to me until now.  It isn't a goal I can define and part of me is thinking that I don't wont to set goals other then to 'look good' as it is just too hard.  Losing weight is easy.. it is a number on the scale.  Being healthy is not so easy, setting goals to run in races and get good enough  to be competitive feel like setting myself up for failure.  I've done the 'run a race for the sake of running it' and I don't run fast enought warrent doing it because "I am good at it" because I am  not!  Even setting goals around strength training is daunting - I will never be 'good at it', I will always be smaller then everyone else, I will always be weaker then the boys and the ladies who have been doing it longer.  Doing a chin-up seems so far away, even push-ups on toes and sit-ups are a dream.  And 'being healthy' is again so far out of my comfort zone!  I will never be able to do that perfect and I will never be 'good' at it.  So why bother?

Argh.. so that is where I am now.  Can I set a goal to get competitive at something?  I could go for running, or I could body building or taekwon-do.  I am not a team sports person though so that rules out a few things!  I've even thought about doing tap-dancing, pole dancing or even belly dancing!  Can I handle not being the best?  I think I could, and I think the competitive  nature might keep me motivated as well!  Something to look into I think!

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