Monday, September 20, 2010

Boom Crash Burn

That, my dear friends, is the sound of me failing.  Miserably.

Today started off with jumping from my bed at 6.30am suddenly remembering that I was meant to subculture bacteria at 10.30pm so that I could do my assay at lunch time today.  So all my plans for today are out the window.  I had to race in to uni in the car and subculture at 7am, then realised that I would need the car for the day because, although I could have, I was too stressed to pack my lunch for the day and figured I would need to come home for a nap.

So the morning went great, I took the kids to the holiday care and headed straight to uni.. I worked like a demon and popped home for a yogurt and to pick up my usb (thank goodness I did have the car as a really really needed it).  I got a good amount of work done and arranged to do my assay at 9pm tonight - but a need to get a part for the centrifuge and person who has it never emailed me back!

I came home at lunch and had my wrap as per the plan and then had an hours break, after which I was going to have my nap before picking up the kids, doing my run and heading back to uni.

But at 2pm or so I got a call from holiday care letting me know that my eldest was misbehaving and having issues with his friend so I need to pick them up... so there goes my nap.  DH got home around 3.30 so I said hello and headed off my nap then... and a friend turns up at the door.  In the meantime, I realise I hadn't heard from the person about the part from the centrifuge so at 5pm I rushed into uni hoping to catch her there but there is no sign of her.  Thankfully I find the keys so I can get to the downstairs centrifuge - not fun at 10pm at night in a deserted uni campus! 

Anyways at this point it is getting dark and is still wet from the rain so the run went out the window.  I started making up my pizza and after I put the ricotta on I just threw the spoon, burst into tears, and went to maccas and got myself something to eat. 

I was so angry and the person I could take it out on was myself.

'When I feel  stressed, bad food makes me feel better'

It does a little bit.  I feel much calmer now.  Well, a little I guess. I guess it was like punching a brick wall - a way to hurt myself to release the stress.  I don't know.  I chose it, I was conscious of what I was doing - made excuses to myself the whole way 'see I am so stressed I am going to maccas'.  I want something bad to happen so everyone can see how stressed I am.  I am so angry with myself for forgetting to go in last night and subculture.  I am angry that the centrifuge that is right behind me isn't available to use and I have to arrange to get the part from downstairs or take my stuff down there!  I am angry that my supervisor didn't tell me that I am only meant to use the centrifuge on Tues and Wed so I got the 'not impressed' email from the one lecturer whom I really respect and adore.  I am so annoyed that I am sitting here, with 4weeks to hand in my thesis and I still dont' have results. I am sooo annoyed that my supervisor is so relaxed and is letting everything just be 'okay' and happen 'whenever'.  It doesn't work like that!  If he had of got his act together and been prepared then he would have known that the cells take a week to culture.  I'm annoyed he isn't letting me do the lab work I want to do and is controlling everything so I can't do stuff and then leaves me to clean up the mess when I have to try and do two assays at once.  Grrrrrrrrrr!


  1. Hugs. Dont get too down on yourself, just start again tomorrow with a new attitude and commitment. We all screw up.

    I totally get your fustration with the uni side of things too

    I had a pretty useless first day too!

  2. i feel for you, but i agree with shells, put today behind you and start again tomorrow.....
    we all have bad days so you are not alone.


  3. Hey Jen, Considering what was on your plate today, I think you did a good job. McDonalds wasn't the best choice but you already know that - so all that is left is to accept the consequences and have a better day tomorrow. The next battle will be easier. Promise!

    Hope you have a better day tomorrow. xx